I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
