Dude my mom stole all your condoms
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Even my vagina gasped.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
