I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It's just like the Real World with babies
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
