My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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