my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
