bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
how drunk are you?
Several
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
