that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
