i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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