Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
