When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
