Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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