I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Randomize
