Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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