Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
