I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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