finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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