It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
