Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
