Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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