i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
