i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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