You really coming over, don't trick.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
