I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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