I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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