Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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