Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
