I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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