Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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