There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
