gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
