The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
