Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
third nipple confirmed
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
