My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
