I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
this just has baby written all over it
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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