after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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