Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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