I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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