If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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