She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
