I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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