I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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