i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
