the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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