yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
