i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
