sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I forget how to act sober
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
