I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
