if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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