I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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