He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
