I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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