He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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