I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he quoted the bible to break up with me
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
